A best man speech has one job: make the room like the groom more than they already did. Everything else — the jokes, the stories, the callbacks — is in service of that.
In this guide
The structure
Open with a line that gets a laugh in the first fifteen seconds. Introduce yourself and how you know him. Two stories, one funny, one that shows character. Turn to his partner and say something genuine about the two of them. Toast.
Five minutes, absolute maximum. Four is better. Nobody in history has wished a best man speech were longer.
Openers that work
- “For those who don't know me, I'm the reason he was late to your first date.”
- “I've been asked to keep this short and clean, so — thank you, goodnight.”
- “I've known Tom for twenty years, and I want to start by saying how good he looks. Which is a sentence I've never said before.”
- “Standing here I realise I know two things about marriage, and one of them is wrong.”
The rules for the jokes
Punch at him, never at her, never at either family, and never at an ex. Nothing from a stag do that a grandmother would not sit through. Nothing about weight, money, work failures or anything he is actually sensitive about.
The test: would he tell this story about himself, at this table, to these people?
The turn
Every good best man speech has a moment where the jokes stop and it means something. Usually one sentence: “The truth is he has been different since he met her, and all of it is better.” Deliver it slowly, do not decorate it, and go straight to the toast afterwards.
Delivery
- Cue cards, not a phone, and not a full script
- Practise out loud three times, at least once standing
- Slow down by half — nerves double everyone's speed
- Look at the room, not the cards, for the important lines
- Do not drink more than one before speaking
- Wait for laughs to finish before starting the next line
The toast
Name them both. “Please raise your glasses to Anna and Tom.” Simple, clear, and give the room a beat to lift their glasses before you sit down. Then sit down — the speech ends at the toast, not after three more thoughts.
From Sagevow
Vows read from a phone screen never photograph well. Linen vow books do, and they stay on the shelf long after the last dance.
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